


The One Where Jamie Hewlett Can Not Be Trusted

by dailynightly



Series: The Adventures of Hobo Dames & Friends [2]
Category: Blur (Band), Gorillaz
Genre: Another Sad Ending, Hobo Dames
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-21
Updated: 2018-10-21
Packaged: 2019-08-05 02:51:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16359302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dailynightly/pseuds/dailynightly
Summary: The thrilling second part in The Adventures of Hobo Dames & Friends. Will Damon ever find happiness? Perhaps. Or perhaps he will not.





	The One Where Jamie Hewlett Can Not Be Trusted

**Author's Note:**

> yall asked for it 
> 
> If Jamie or Damon ever find this I'm launching myself into the actual sun

Damon strolled down the crowded sidewalk, scowling at children for no reason other than he was feeling grumpy and he knew that a child wouldn’t deck him if he looked at them wrong. His day was going great up until he dropped his corn dog down a drain. He finally managed to scrounge up enough change to afford one, and before he could even eat it, he dropped it. Nothing but anger flowed through his veins for the remainder of the day, and all he wanted was to get back to his alley so he could get a much needed nap. Plus, his new home always cheered him up. He found it in a dumpster behind an old daycare. It was a pop up Dora The Explorer tent and he felt like a goddamn king explorer whenever he lounged in it. 

The more he thought about his tent, the more excited he became as he neared closer and closer to his alley. Within the next few minutes, he was skipping joyfully. Passer-bys looked on in horror as Damon plowed through nearly everyone he came in contact with. Children were screaming, grown men were shrieking -- It was an absolute bloodbath. He was already starting to cheer up again. The only thing that make his day absolutely perfect would be another fucking corn dog. 

Damon turned the corner to the dark, damp alley, that smelled faintly of a urinal cake, and made a horrible sound of disgust when he noticed that someone or something had moved his tent to the other side of the alley. Damon cautiously approached it fearing the worst. He reached into his back pocket and pulled out a dirty old toothbrush that he carved into a sharp weapon. Before he could even take another step, another man creeped out of the tent. Damon instinctively demonstrated some sick kung fu moves in a sad attempt to intimidate the mysterious stranger. It did not work. 

“Who the fuck are you?” Damon barked, still mind kung fu stance.

“I'm Jamie Hewlett. Who the fuck are you?”

“The man who owns this Dora tent. Get out.”

“I am out.” Jamie snarkily replied, gesturing to the tent 1 foot behind him.

Damon stared Jamie down for what seemed like an eternity. Suddenly, Damon lunged towards the other man with great force, slamming him into the concrete wall. 

“How rude!” Jamie snapped in a Stephanie from Full House accent. 

“This is my territory! I pissed on all the walls!”

Jamie smirked. “Finders keepers.”

Damon's size tripled, his skin turned green, and the only clothes he owned began ripping at the seams. His inner hulk came out in only a matter of seconds. Jamie looked on in fear and maybe a little bit in lust. Jamie had a thing for green men. Damon did not know this and was frightened by Jamie's staring, so he quickly reverted back to normal size. His clothes sat on the wet ground in a puddle by his feet. Damon sassily stood there naked with his hands on his hips. They had a stare off for 2 hours. 

Eventually, Damon bent over, picked up his sweatpants, and pulled two yellow pieces of paper out of his wallet. “Listen here, you mediocre clarinet player.”

Jamie was confused. He did not play the clarinet.

Damon continued, “I will give you five thousand monopoly dollars if you leave the premises and never come back.”

“But you don't even know why I'm here. I may have something you want.” 

Damon quirked an eyebrow. “Yeah?”

Jamie nodded, reached into his back pocket, and pulled out two small packets. He wagged his finger for Damon to come closer. Damon obliged, and leaned down to examine the mystery packet. Upon closer observation, he knew exactly what it was. 

“Strawberry Jelly?!” he gasped. 

Jamie immediately clasped his hand over Damon's mouth. “Shh! Do you want someone to hear us?”

Damon looked down at the jelly again. God, he wanted that jelly. Bad. But he know that there would be a price to pay. 

“What's it gonna cost me?” Damon whispered. 

A devilish grin spread across Jamie's face, and at that exact moment, Damon knew what he wanted and he didn't know if he was ready to give that particular thing up.

As if Jamie had read his mind, he pointed at the Dora tent beside him. Damon let out a pterodactyl screech that could be heard around the world. 

Damon glared. “I will not.” 

Jamie let out a deep chuckle. “I knew you would say that.” he replied with a demonic voice. 

That's when Jamie reached into his jacket and pulled out something else. Damon's eyes widened when realized what Jamie had in his hand. 

“Gee wiz…” Damon gulped, “is that what I think it is?”

Jamie nodded. “Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 2. Limited fucking edition.” 

Damon clutched his chest hairs, his knuckles turning white. This is all he ever wanted. Every night he dreamed about playing that video game and doing kick flips to his heart's content. 

“C-can a hold it? Can I smell it? Taste it.” Damon asked. He was literally on the verge on convulsing. This was too much. Boneriffic one might call it.

“Of course,” Jamie replied with a polite smile, “just give me the tent and I'll be off. And then the jelly and game are all yours, buddy boy.”

“DEAL.” Damon screamed as he ran over to the Dora tent, picked it up, and hurled it at Jamie. 

Jamie dropped the game and jellies at Damon's feet. He bowed like a fucking idiot and then left with his Dora The Explorer tent. 

Tears of joy started falling down Damon's naked cheeks. He picked up the game and jellies and rubbed them all over his exposed body. Parent's covered their children's eyes as they walked past the alley. 

Damon sprinted out into the street and started doing the Fortnite dance. The sound of car horns pierced pedestrians ears as they swerved to avoid Damon in the street. It wasn't long before Damon started singing a musical number to go along with his Fortnite dance. This was the absolute best day of Damon's life. 

\------

Later that night, Damon settled into his old worn out box. He didn't even care that he lost his Dora tent because right now, as he was putting jelly on the piece of toast he received a week ago, everything was right in the world. Only one thing could made this night perfect, and it wasn't a hot date with the male stripper named Graham that worked down the street. 

He pulled his copy of Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 2 out of his Backstreet Boys book bag. A giant grin spread across his face as he admired the cover. After ten minutes of drooling over the cover, he opened up the game case. His face fell. Inside the case, he did not find Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 2.

Instead, he found a copy of Jack & Jill featuring Adam Sandler. 

Any joy that was in Damon's heart had disappeared and his entire body melted into a sad little puddle. A jogger slipped on it and got a concussion. 

Fin.


End file.
